I was inspired to post again by this post over at hyperbole and a half. I think a lot of his experiences and emotions mirror mine closely, although I haven’t found my piece of corn yet.
I’m mostly posting because the message seems so overwhelmingly negative, and I relate so much to it, that I want to spill my brain on the page and poke through the leavings to find something positive there. The conclusion he comes to isn’t enough for me.
I find a lot of similar feelings in this stream-of-consciousness rant from three months ago. I feel like an archaeologist looking back on it. I’ve built my foundation over that rubble, but it’s never gone away. I just sort of buried it.
I’ve read it over a couple more times, and I have this to say:
He nails the experience of depression on the head. He admits to not being as intimate with the experience of recovery, so maybe he’s got that part wrong.
What he is, though, is getting better. His condition is improving, and even if it’s in seemingly random ways, there is a process out there by which things improve. Even if it’s and ridiculous and convoluted and almost silly, there are things which make this condition better.
Trying to understand my own depression can be kind of like living in a horror movie. You know the part of the horror movie where the victims go from being tormented by some unfathomable monster to being tormented by a fathomable one? It’s that point when they learn that The Thing can change shape. It’s almost more terrifying than when you didn’t understand it, but it’s also unquestionably better. You can take steps now to protect yourself. You’re more scared, but you’re also more capable.
I’m seeking understanding right now. I’m spending my time with specialists who are expert in helping people improve from the condition that I am in today. I’m moving towards the point where I can construct a plan for dealing with my issues. I’m not there yet, but I have a plan for getting to the point where I can make a plan.
I guess this is how the learning process starts.